so he's a felon in possession of a firearm in addition to it being an illegal firearm. the concern earlier was if we were going to charge him with just a misdemeanor he might bond out before a.t.f. gets to him monday. he'd have been out tonight. now, he'll be in there for that felon. till the judge can take care of him. yeah, and then they'll pick him up monday and he'll probably go to prison. mock commentator: ( humming ) ahhh ! narrator: right now... the smoking gun presents: the world's dumbest criminals-- loni: is that country crock narrator: featuring the legally suspect commentary of our celebrity panel. danny: this is my cannabis card. i don't smoke marijuana anymore, but i do use it to chop up my meth. narrator: another 20 bits of police-blotter fodder. man: somebody call 9-1-1 ! they are kicking my ass ! woman: ( bleep ) in aisle three.

man: hey, great pickpocketing technique. narrator: plus, a special public-service announcement from leif garrett. leif: actually drinking gasoline, just lethal-- most other drugs aren't that taxing on you. narrator: it's the smoking gun presents: the world's dumbest criminals. narrator: it's the smoking gun presents: the jolly pirate donut shop in west virginia... mock commentator: ( humming ) narrator: but leaves without making a purchase. moments later, two masked men enter. mock commentator: all right, stick 'em up. don't move, grandpa ! narrator: and they're not here for the crullers. mock commentator: come on, now,

need that money out the register. i will hurt you ! jo: okay, dumb ( bleep ), you shoulda changed your outfit. woman: how much cash is in a doughnut shop, you idiot ? doughnuts are what, 50 cents ? jo: oh, there's a ton of money in there, i just bought a ( bleep ) dozen-- baker's dozen. there's at least... 6 bucks in there. mock commentator: you-- take these for me. michael: and then, total absurdity of the entire clip, they steal scratch-off lottery tickets. mock commentator: oh, yeah ! jackpot ! michael: that's not money. nick: i think they're gonna win, 'cause they seem like a lucky couple. mock commentator: luck be a lady tonight ! nick: two losers, and they're sitting home in their shorts-- ( scratching noises ) narrator: but scratch beneath the surface of this doughnut holdup, and it gets even dumber. mock commentator: ( grunting ) aw, fiddlesticks ! narrator: these two "dunkin' numbnuts" are father and son. mock commentator: i love you, son. i love you, too, dad. woman: this is just-- it's really heartwarming. chuck: look how many men are screwed up in the head because they didn't get to spend

quality time with their father. so on the one hand, this guy's father of the year. mock commentator: i'm glad we had this time together, son. i love you, too, dad. chuck: on the other hand, he's idiot of the year. mock commentator: who's up for hooters ? we're out of here. come on ! narrator: police use the surveillance tape to track down the father-son team and serve them more than just baked goods. danny: actually, you're seeing, in this video, a rite of passage. the jews have a bar mitzvah. mock commentator: mazel tov ! danny: masai warriors have over the stolen cash register, 'cause he can no longer carry it, you, sir, have become a man. mock commentator: i got it. i love you, dad. narrator: a man walks into a milwaukee pet store, heads to the counter, flashes a gun... ... and demands the contents of the register.

but the clerks quickly realize this robber is all bark and no bite. godfrey: what's up, huh ? nick: she knew right away. she was like, "that's a toy." i think she worked at toys "r" us for, like, 11 years. she picked that thing out like that. godfrey: it's not a game, you hear that ? it's a gat, baby, you know what i'm saying ? new fisher-price style. jo: i'm gonna shoot you... with water ? godfrey: you think i'm playing, huh ? ( buzzing sound ) daisy: i love how easily defeated this guy is. jo: the door's locked ! they ( bleep ) turned the little button ! ( buzzing sound )

brad: they're not bothered by him at all. like this ( bleep ) happens every day, like this pet store's in south central. leif: like that's gonna work, add "please," all of a sudden, out of nowhere. try politeness. loni: and now he's pleading with them. who's the bitch now ? narrator: the bandit, brandishing his plastic gun, scurries out the back door. police, equipped with actual firearms, easily track him down a few days later. ali: sad excuse for a criminal. jo: these two women should have a sitcom-- woman: you can't unlock the door. ( audience laughing ) jo: that's how cool these two chicks are.

narrator: it was a forbidden romance... a love so powerful, it refused to stay private. a passion that ended in pain... ( man crying ) and prison. the smoking gun proudly presents: the story of a man... and the object of his desire. officer: the first video we had, he was completely nude, and... he used the hole for the umbrella and have sex with the table. ( tape rewinding ) ... and have sex with the table. narrator: this erotic fable begins when a man in ohio notices his neighbor engaging in salacious behavior with some patio furniture... and begins videotaping. ali: what a weirdo ! doing it to a hole in a picnic table ? leif: dude, it's just wrong ! todd: i've done some weird sexual ( bleep ) before with women, but never some weird ( bleep ) with a table. godfrey: picnic-table porn-- what ? ahh ! "( bleep ) a table, part one" ! yeah, you like that, huh ?

loni: can you imagine when they had the picnic ? ( sniffing ) william, what is that smell ? narrator: what made the act even more reprehensible was the perp's proximity to the local school. ( children laughing ) officer: it's, you know, less than 100 yards away from where the children have recess. danny: how far away from a school do you have to be to bone furniture and have it be pretty normal ? chuck: so, in other words, it would've been okay if he had done it-- you know, in the privacy of his own garage. pulled the doors down, put on a little luther vandross, you know what i mean ? get a couple picnic chairs set up around, 'cause i like to be watched. narrator: the "furnication" earned the fellow six months in jail and some counseling. meanwhile, the table sits at home on the couch, gorging on haagen-dazs, and wondering if he'll ever call. brad: a lot of women in a marriage can get past, you know, you had sex with a stripper,

you had a workplace affair. dude, you ( bleep ) lawn furniture. that doesn't make her feel pretty. she's gonna have to watch a lot of oprah to get over that. officer: once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around. narrator: coming up, break out the broom. mock commentator: i'll show you whippersnappers-- out ! out, i say ! narrator: there's a mess in aisle three, plus more advice for clean living from our celebrity cast-- todd: you don't rob a store when guys have big-ass knives like this. narrator: when the smoking gun's world's dumbest criminals continues. depression is a serious medical condition that can take so much out of you. i feel like i have to wind myself up just to get out of bed. then...well... i have to keep winding myself up to deal with the sadness, the loss of interest, the trouble concentrating, the lack of energy. if depression is taking so much out of you, ask your doctor about pristiq®.

(announcer) pristiq is a prescription medicine proven to treat depression. pristiq is thought to work by affecting the levels of two chemicals in the brain, serotonin and norepinephrine. tell your doctor right away if your depression worsens or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior, or thoughts of suicide. antidepressants can increase suicidal thoughts and behaviors in children, teens and young adults. pristiq is not approved for children under 18. do not take pristiq with maois. taking pristiq with nsaid pain relievers, aspirin, or blood thinners may increase bleeding risk. tell your doctor about all your medications, including those for migraine, to avoid a potentially life-threatening condition. pristiq may cause or worsen high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or glaucoma. tell your doctor if you have heart disease... or before you reduce or stop taking pristiq. side effects may include nausea, dizziness and sweating. (woman) for me, pristiq is a key in helping to treat my depression. (announcer) ask your doctor about pristiq. take matters into your own hands. autozone is the one place with the expertise...

you need to get the job done right. because "do it yourself" doesn't mean you have to do it alone. get in the zone. autozone. vo: yowalmart checks other for sstores' pricesoney. and they'll match any advertised price. so instead of searching for "deals" out there... you get everyday low prices, right here. vo: but put a ring of cheese in the crust and...jackpot! (announcer) introducing pizza hut's new stuffed crust pan pizza. your favorite pan pizza with a jackpot of melted cheese in the crust. a large one topping is just $10.99. pizza hut. america's favorite for pizza, pasta and wings.

narrator: two hammer-wielding teens enter a convenience store in england, intent on cleaning out the register. they attack the manager. but one store employee decides she isn't going to tolerate their behavior. mock commentator: out, i say, get out ! ahhh ! ahhhh ! it's scratching me neck ! she's-- ah, come on, now ! forget the money, it ain't worth it ! i'll show you whippersnappers-- out ! out ! nick: how embarrassing, they were running-- it's a mop, for christ's sakes.

she's 55 ! you gotta dry-gulch her. brad: she's like the dirty harry of the geriatric society. mock commentator: go ahead, make my day. brad: at aarp, she's like a hero. godfrey: you come in me store with these antics ! well, i don't think so ! mock commentator: take that, take that ! it's a bloody broom ! get out, i'll show you ! it's scratching me neck ! brad: dude, you just got your ass kicked by a swiffer. if that gets out in prison, you are someone's girlfriend by lunchtime. bryan: nobody realizes... she soaked the broom in urine and left it overnight, and that stinks. mock commentator: take a whiff of that ! oh, it burns, it burns ! doesn't smell so good, does it ? it smells like poo ! oh, let's go ! bryan: it's a great hammer-wielding criminal deterrent. mock commentator: get out of me store, hi-ya ! brad: look at that woman. does she have any reason to wake up, other than to keep her cats from eating her face off ? ( cats growling ) she will kill you, sir. mock commentator: take

the bristles and eat 'em ! out of me store ! danny: i've been given the brush-off by a woman before, but this is ridiculous. narrator: sweeping the toughs out of her store, she kept the crime... mock commentator: get out, i'll show them. narrator: ... and the grime out of this establishment. mock commentator: as if i don't do enough around here, i've gotta clean up after these two. narrator: in this department store, security cameras track a known shoplifter. mock commentator: let's see, what i got up in here ? electric drill, hell, yeah. nothing to see here. ( whistling ) brad: dude, look at him stumble around. he looks like rick james on a bender. mock commentator: that's a "super freaky" socket wrench. ali: looking around like he had choices. "no, you're not "expensive enough. "no, no, no, no, i don't like you, i got you last week." mock commentator: nope, nothing out of the ordinary here, just a black man and his drill. narrator: mere feet away from a clean getaway,

the shoplifter notices security guards noticing him. mock commentator: what's up over here ? uh-oh. you know what ? i ain't gonna get this today, after all. godfrey: oh, ( bleep ), let me put this right back. this is-- shame on me. what the hell was i thinking, trying to take a power tool ? shame on me, i need to pay for ( bleep ) like this, huh ? mock commentator: check out what we got over here, steve. narrator: the guards step in and confront the would-be thief. mock commentator: excuse me, sir, do you have a-- mock commentator: hold up, officer ! damn, oh, damn ! michael: how fast was that guy with the little judo leg kick ? that guy's tough as ( bleep ). he was like, "no, you're down." mock commentator: whoa, whoa, hold up, officer, damn ! jo: "it's on the shelf, "it's on the shelf... it's on the shelf !" mock commentator: what's the matter ? i didn't do nothing. brad: that security guard is into his job. mock commentator: hold on, i got him, i'm taking him down. brad: he's been watching way too many reruns of cagney & lacey. mock commentator: whoa, hold up, officer. we got some perpetration going on in aisle six. todd: they get him up and he's like, "i don't know what you're

"talking about, dawg. i ain't did nothing." mock commentator: yo, don't be forgetting my lid. narrator: before heading to lockup, the perp is whisked to the store's security office and checked for possession of any other merchandise. loni: you should see what he did in the lingerie department. trying to take off those panties was a bitch. narrator: at a fresno casino, it's this guy's turn to bet. mock commentator: place your bets. narrator: out of chips, he chooses to sweeten the pot-- mock commentator: yo, i'll raise you this. narrator: with some... pot. tonya: what is this guy thinking ? i mean, are they gonna accept weed as part of a bet ? mock commentator: what's up ? it's legitimate, man ! todd: well, he ran out of money and decided he wants to put a bag of pot on the thing. and he was so stoned that he didn't realize that he'd done something wrong. mock commentator: that doesn't look like chips. sir, i can't accept that. leif: i'm moving to fresno tomorrow, 'cause i wanna be able to go to a casino where we can lay down bud to gamble with.

mock commentator: let's go, give me a card, man. here's two dirty syringes. mock commentator: see, i'm giving you too much, too. you should've taken it while you could. todd: he goes, "oh, i put too much weed," so he grabs a couple of buds out, puts some buds on there, and the security camera's like, "what just happened ?" mock commentator: let's go, take it. it's a baggie of pot, zoo, wise up and take it. chuck: "how about-- "let me see... "one, two, four buds. "four buds and a roach. what's that gonna get me ?" five to ten, dumb-ass. narrator: the casino calls the cops, but this "high" roller has an ace up his sleeve. he claims to belong to a cannabis club. man: he pulls out a cannabis card, but he got it on-line. so i'm sure it wasn't very legal. danny: this is my cannabis card. i actually don't use it, i don't smoke marijuana anymore. but i do use it to chop up

my meth. officer: what exactly were you thinking at the time ? you don't know what i'm talking about ? narrator: police arrest the high roller for possession with intent to distribute. officer: you don't know what i'm talking about ? jo: i just know i had a good hand, all right ? and when i said "all in," i meant all in. is locked up tight for the evening, no possible way for anyone to get inside. ( man screaming ) judy: ( bleep ) in aisle three ! nick: he fell through that ceiling like judd nelson did in breakfast club. ( man screaming ) mock commentator: aw, that hurt. todd: boom ! when he hit the ground, it took him about two minutes before he could even move. mock commentator: shoot, that hurt. slipped a disk !

shoot, ow. danny: this is the worst rendition of lionel richie's "dancing on the ceiling" i have ever seen. mock commentator: whoooaa ! jo: thank god he fell through the same aisle that carries canes. mock commentator: and a cane... shoot, that's convenient. jo: now limp the ( bleep ) out of here ! mock commentator: ow ! oh, that hurts. brad: you broke into a pharmacy, dude. get an ace bandage, get some vicodin, and take the cash register. do i have to do everything around here ? mock commentator: dang, let me go over-- oh, shoot. verne: get some morphine-- you know, do it up. demerol, of all things. you know, get the good ( bleep ). mock commentator: ooh, eee... narrator: but rather than stocking up, he aborts the burglary and leaves the store... mock commentator: oh, man, this is not a productive day. narrator: empty-handed. chuck: he's crawling out of the store on all fours, maybe because he really at that point realized how humiliating this whole thing was for him. "let me just crawl out of here. "i can't even walk out

like a man." ( man screaming ) narrator: in addition to the man-shaped hole in the ceiling, police find a single sneaker at the crime scene. it doesn't take long for them to trace it back to the man with one red shoe... hobbling down the street. mock commentator: where can you buy one red shoe around here ? narrator: coming up... mock commentator: i'll give you a slice ! narrator: dinner... mock commentator: i got your slice right here ! narrator: and... a box of condoms: all the ingredients for a date at the courthouse... when the smoking gun's world's dumbest criminals continues. at would you say if i told you that drivers...

who switched from geico to allstate... saved an average of $473 a year? no way!

way. ♪ progresso. your chicken tuscany says it has fiber in it. yep. four tasty new soups with 28% of your daily fiber. but i like this chicken tuscany. i like it too. but it has fiber in it. that's right. fiber? yeah. but i like it. (announcer) progresso. you gotta taste this soup.

this pizza parlor in west virginia. mock commentator: yo, where's the safe at ? where's the safe at ? it's in the kitchen, man. narrator: he threatens the workers... mock commentator: yo, man, give me the money. open the register, man, give me the money. come on, come on, let's go. narrator: but the brave staff

fights back. mock commentator: are you kidding me with this guy ? yo, how do you like that, huh ? you want another one ? how about another one ? how about another one ? yeah, you like that, right ? brad: this is like "texas pizza hut massacre." mock commentator: i'll give you a slice ! i got your slice right here ! leif: "you want pizza ? "i'll give you pizza, heh, heh ? give me your arm, you bastard." todd: you robbed the wrong store, dawg. you don't rob a store where the guys have big-ass knives like this. mock commentator: how about some red sauce ? that's not a piece of sausage ! natalie: i mean, what was this place called ? "the norman bates pizzeria" ? verne: ( imitating psycho theme ) mock commentator: hey, bake him in a calamari pasta. todd: pow ! you know, and this guy's-- you see him drag the guy-- he's dragging the guy by the foot-- mock commentator: hey, tony, this one's to go ! todd: and you see the trail of blood. mock commentator: hey, that ain't ( blank ) tomato sauce on the floor, huh ? brad: at that point, the guy robbing the place is like, "please, somebody call 9-1-1 ! they are kicking my ass !" narrator: the pissed-off paisanos finally call the cops... who promise to deliver the perp to jail in 30 minutes or less.

verne: i guess sometimes, you bring a gun to a knife fight, it might not work. mock commentator: how 'bout another one, huh ? how 'bout another one ? california: a woman enters a convenience store. mock commentator: am i hungry ? do-do-do-do-do, or maybe thirsty. brad: anytime anybody looks side to side and they're in a public place, arrest them. mock commentator: do-do-do- do-do-do, ohh-- ali: could she have looked around one more time ? she probably hurt her neck, she's like... chuck: this means i'm not doing anything. looking, but there's a camera. did she not see the camera up there ? mock commentator: ( whistling ) chuck: she actually looked like bob fosse... committing a crime. uh, uh, uh-uh, uh, uh. and jazz hands, steal !

mock commentator: ooh, it is getting toasty in here. narrator: continuing her master class in underplaying, she demonstrates a little object work-- mock commentator: i'm just gonna put my sweater down for a sec, you know ? narrator: and steals a jar containing donations for the funeral of the store-owner's father. mock commentator: did i leave my wallet in the car ? jo: how much did you make out with, 30 bucks ? mock commentator: i'll be right back, one second. narrator: what's the motivation for this aspiring actress ? mock commentator: okay, i'm all set-- got the money ! tonya: she comes back in the store... mock commentator: can i get some help here ? tonya: to buy a pack of cigarettes with the money she had just stolen from this donation jar. mock commentator: can i just get a pack of lights ? yeah, those, right-- yeah. judy: "oh, your father's dead "and you need to pay "for the funeral ? "oh, great, can i have " marlboro 100s ? "have a great day, good luck, good luck." narrator: the curtain finally falls a few days later, as the villain is arrested at a nearby hotel. judy: she is so ( bleep )

burning in hell, this one. this is beyond burning in hell. mock commentator: thanks, bye-bye. brad: your mother is so proud right now. narrator: a florida man arrives at a local convenience store, but finds it closed for the night. mock commentator: man, ahh... narrator: he desperately needs to get inside, so he takes drastic action. what would a man need so desperately that he'd risk jail time ? mock commentator: ahh... ohh... ohh... loni: criminals for safe sex ! mock commentator: let's go... well, there it is. here goes nothing. nick: i hope he's better at having sex than he is at ramming the doors open. mock commentator: whoop... leif: oh, my god, dude. go get a plastic bag if you have to, and a rubber band, okay ? adrianne: what ? judy: whatever.

leif: i think it's quite funny, though. mock commentator: sun chips, beef jerky, playing cards... bingo ! jimmy hats. loni: what kind of condoms-- they were grimy and old-looking. nick: i didn't know they had condoms in 1958. imagine you're with a girl and you take that out ? it's got motor oil on it and stuff, and dirt and leaves... yeah, baby, i'm gonna take care of you right now. natalie: can you imagine if the woman that he was gonna have sex with that night said, "oh, i can't, i have a headache." "do you know what i ( bleep ) "went through to get these condoms ?" mock commentator: no s.t.d.s tonight, my friend. narrator: police find the "rubber bandit" a few blocks away, hiding deep inside a bush, sadly, not the kind he'd planned on spending the night in. bryan: now that's a man who's more afraid of gonorrhea than he is of arrest, and i respect that. brad: i hope you're bringing those condoms with you to prison, 'cause you're gonna need 'em. mock commentator: now to the promised land ! brad: brad loekle here with a reminder to ( bleep )

of all ages. even though it has lots of shiny buttons and makes cool noises when you push on it, the phone is not a toy. and the personnel you reach on the other end are not looking for a new friend. okay ? chuck: turns out, you know what those two guys were ? rival drug dealers. this guy was trying to eliminate his competition... by calling the cops on two other drug dealers that happened to be

selling drugs on his turf. "officer": 10-4, i got him. i got him right in my sights. brad: how do you sell drugs when you're on the phone with the cops ? kevin: hi, 9-1-1 ? we're all in danger. do you know why ? because i'm selling this heroin at dangerously low prices.

narrator: the man is arrested and charged with drug trafficking and possession. brad: that's one for the blog. anyway, back to work. 9-1-1, what's your emergency ? narrator: coming up, high-octane dance moves... loni: unleaded in the house ! super premium, super-- super-- super premium ! narrator: and slow pickpockets-- mock commentator: ( humming ) all right, let's get it, let's get it... narrator: when the smoking gun's world's dumbest criminals continues. (announcer) funny thing about sinus pressure you can blow your nose but nothing comes out! advil cold & sinus knows that the real problem isn't always mucus. it's often swelling caused by inflammation in your nasal passages. the right medicine for the real problem is advil cold & sinus with a strong decongestant that reduces swelling to relieve sinus pressure plus the power of advil for the pain.

advil cold & sinus. the right medicine for the real problem. ask for the red box at the pharmacy counter. to get softer every time you wash them. and canopy comforters don't have to be dry-cleaned, which makes your bed easier to sleep in and that much harder to leave. canopy home furnishings.

full of black cats... hey, wait... no! to demonstrate the cleaning power of our newest pledge product. i'm gonna clean my couch with this pledge? not that pledge, leah. use the pledge fabric sweeper. it's quick and effective, removing as much pet hair... as 145 stinky lint roller sheets. wow! it really works! ooh, that is one big hairball. ( cat meows ) pick up pet hair. that's the beauty... of the pledge fabric sweeper. you'll find it where you find pledge. s.c. johnson, a family company.

narrator: brits are known to knock back a pint or ten every now and again. mock commentator: i'll have another, mate-- cheers ! narrator: but warm, bitter ale isn't enough for this englishman-- mock commentator: ( slurping ) narrator: he's looking for a high-octane buzz. chuck: "oh, delicious ! "i say, that's rather refreshing !" brad: dude, gas is expensive. jager shots are only, like, $4. chuck: he actually does the little happy gasoline dance after he gets high off of it. he does it and then he's like-- mock commentator: ( humming )

loni: unleaded in the house... super premium, super-- super-- super premium ! kids, please, do not try this at home. i know it looks like we having a good time, but leave the gas for the cars. party over here ! judy: you know what would've been good ? if he took some and then lit a match. narrator: after being caught chugging from the pump 51 times, the petrol guzzler is forbidden to visit any of his village's gas stations... mock commentator: bloody hell. narrator: and receives counseling to help end his unhealthy dependence on foreign oil. leif: actually drinking gasoline is just disgusting and lethal, it seems like, you know, 'cause most other drugs aren't that taxing on you.

narrator: at a miami gas station, a customer pays for his gas while the man standing behind him begins a very delicate procedure. bryan: hey, great pickpocketing technique. mock commentator: all right, liftin' it, liftin' it, liftin' it... judy: he's very gentle in the beginning. loni: the dude's like, "i feel something on my ass, what the--" mock commentator: yo, get off my pockets, yo ! ( woman screaming ) no, no, no... brad: that is one hell of a coked-up pickpocket. you're supposed to be smooth ! judy: once you don't get it on the first try, then move on. mock commentator: give me your wallet, man. what kinda store is this ? danny: whenever i feel a foreign hand reaching into my back pocket and preparing to take money, i just relax. it's only my agent. adrianne: what was up with that broad just standing there ? mock commentator: what's that brother doing ? judy: if you see someone, like, sticking their hand in someone's pants, wouldn't you say,

"uh, excuse me" ? mock commentator: what you doing over there ? michael: ( bleep ), girl in the green shirt. i don't want you behind me ever. mock commentator: that's right, i got it. all right, thank you. narrator: the pickpocket makes off with a few bucks, but leaves his face and the make of his car on the station's security tape, making it easy for cops to track him down. leif: it's not well-planned out. of course, it took place in the south. that's all-- hey, i'm not saying anything-- we'll leave it at that. narrator: in new forest, england, a man bursts into a convenience store, looking to fill his parka pockets with a few pounds. mock commentator: hello, this is a robbery. put the money in the bag, mate. brad: dude, why is kenny from south park holding places up ? mock commentator: let's go, pip-pip... ali: he's like, "okay, i'm robbing you now, like, give me your money." mock commentator: let's go, give it to me, and all will be done. roger: let this be a lesson to all the armed robbers out there,

that whole eskimo look, not scary. narrator: even less scary ? his weapon of choice. brad: this does not scare anyone. judy: put your hands up ! it's intimidating. chuck: hey, give me the money, man, seriously ! i will dilate your pupils in a second. godfrey: "i'll hypnotize him "with my light, and i'll get what i want." brad: "i... "want... the money, okay ?" mock commentator: go on then, you wanker. narrator: unfazed, the clerk refuses to hand over the money, and locks the low-wattage wanker inside the store. brad: this doesn't get people much, okay ? this is like the poster to a jackie mason show. mock commentator: you've locked it ! what, you've got a button back there ? michael: this was like a monty python skit gone horribly wrong. godfrey: i'm joking, i just want to see. you got any "d" batteries ? i'm running out. narrator: the dim bulb finally gets a bright idea, and uses his torch to shine

a light to freedom. mock commentator: gooh ! next time, i'm bringing me screwdriver. brad: i don't like my criminals to waddle, okay ? i like a good, old-fashioned oz-like criminal. i want someone covered with tattoos, with a shiv, who's gonna kill me. that makes it exciting. mock commentator: come on, mate, open up, that's not nice ! let's see what they got up in here. narrator: a masked man walks into a florida cash-advance store, demands money... mock commentator: that's right, it's a stickup. oh, my lord ! now fill this bag up with some money. absolutely, anything you need, sir. narrator: and then begins to make his getaway. ( tires screeching ) oh, so close. todd: he's on his way out, and like a dummy, just before he leaves, he goes-- bingo ! mock commentator: yo, it's hot up in there. loni: walking out the door, think you got it made, and-- oh, you idiot.

todd: you don't take your mask off until you get completely out of the store, and probably around the corner. what the hell are you doing taking your mask off in the store ? mock commentator: get out of this mask-- oh, that feels good. nick: they couldn't have got a better picture if he went to sears and posed in front of the american flag, like the kids do when they're five years old. jo: camera gets everything ! "hi, brown eyes, 5-foot-8, "mustache, mole on my right cheek, bye." godfrey: profile... ahh, yeah ! mock commentator: whoa, this mask is itchy ! oh, it's hot, too. brad: the only thing that would've been better is if he had, like, fixed his hair in the actual camera. just take off that mask, "whoo, that is hot ! "there we go, there we go, uh-huh." roger: he got cocky, let's face it, he got lazy. he spiked the ball before he got to the end zone. godfrey: "oh, this ( bleep ) "is itchy. "good lord, let me get closer to that, yeah." mock commentator: oh, that feels better. narrator: coming up... mock commentator: hurry up, it's hot in this suit.

come on, lady, what do you think this is, easy work ? narrator: one fine feathered felon, and one that's freshly plucked. mock commentator: lotion, shaving cream... narrator: plus, our celebrity panel lets it all go to their heads... brad: be proud. be that dumb-ass who's like, "whoo ! i'm on tv !" narrator: when the smoking gun's world's dumbest criminals continues. pizza's great.

but put a ring of cheese in the crust and...jackpot! (announcer) introducing pizza hut's new stuffed crust pan pizza. your favorite pan pizza with a jackpot of melted cheese in the crust. a large one topping is just $10.99. pizza hut. america's favorite for pizza, pasta and wings.

stay any 2, 3, or 4 nights between september 13th and november 22nd, and you can earn double, triple, or even quadruple points when you pay with your mastercard card. triple-a members can get even more. better values, best western. for details, visit bestwestern.com.

narrator: this ohio grocery store is about to become the victim of some seriously "fowl" play. a man walks into the back office, demanding money from the safe. mock commentator: it's a robbery. come on, lady, stick 'em up. are you serious ? brad: see what happened, people ? you didn't donate enough to pbs, and now big bird's doing holdups. mock commentator: let's go, lady. ( woman laughing ) hey, what are you laughing at ? brad: you don't even wanna know what bert and ernie are doing

to pay the rent, okay ? can't say that, it's a family program. mock commentator: i don't wanna ruffle your feathers-- fill the bag up with the money ! chuck: "yes, this is why "i crossed the road, yes. "now can i have the money, please ?" jo: "don't make me-- "( chicken sounds ) "don't make me-- ( chicken sounds )." godfrey: "you think i'm ( bleep ), don't you ?" mock commentator: get the money from over in those drawers, too. the money's, it's right here. open the safe. judy: if you're gonna dress up as something to commit a crime, maybe something scary, you know what i mean ? like a gorilla, maybe. ali: dracula, batman ? the cape, the mask ? chuck: maybe dress up in a viking suit. nick: i don't know, an owl is kinda scary. ( owl hooting ) mock commentator: look, i got a gun, don't make me use it. nick: you know what ? it doesn't matter. if you're in a chicken outfit, or you're dressed like the flying nun, if you've got a gun, it might put the fear of death in me. mock commentator: hurry up, it's hot in this suit. come on, lady, what do you think this is, easy work ? now when i leave, you're gonna sit over her. do not turn around. brad: it's gonna be hard

to do a lineup. nick: "is it the white guy, "the black guy, "the hispanic guy, or the 6-foot-8 chicken ?" "oh, i don't know..." brad: can you eat feed out of your hand, please ? nick: "the chicken kinda "looks familiar. "can you have him turn this way ?" brad: "turn to the side. "okay, and now back. can you ( bleep ) an egg ?" narrator: police clip the wings of this dirty bird after obtaining a warrant to search his home. and it turns out, he's a former employee. jo: ( bleep ) that place. that was the worst ( bleep ) job i ever had. todd: he's a chicken. someone's gonna want to ruffle his feathers once he gets in jail. jo: chicken livin', baby. narrator: inside an ohio gas station, a man enters the rest room... and slips into something more comfortable. then he returns to the rest room and slips into something even more comfortable.

jo: who the ( bleep ) is this guy ? man: he walked in and went and picked out some personal-hygiene items, went into the bathroom, and came out naked. mock commentator: where do they keep disposable razors ? loni: is that country crock on his chest ? jo: i don't even care that you're a crazy dude, but barefoot in a public-- have you seen that ( bleep ) rest room ? mock commentator: lotion, shaving cream... daisy: the only people that go barefoot in gas stations: britney spears and this guy. mock commentator: going into the bathroom now, i am seriously in need of lotion. judy: thank god he was wearing sunglasses, because no one's gonna be able to identify him with his ( bleep ) hanging out. narrator: thankfully, the attendants at this gas station know well enough... ( phone dialing ) to call 9-1-1. mock commentator: sir ?

does there seem to be a problem, officer ? brad: listen, we do not pay cops enough to be approaching that guy. shoot him, then approach him. chuck: well, the cop was looking at him just like, "all right, "you gotta come with me, "somehow, i don't want "to touch you. "i hope you understand. would you please just come ?" mock commentator: sir ? please come out of the bathroom, sir. todd: and all of a sudden, they come out fighting. mock commentator: unstoppable ! and greasy ! cannot stop me ! narrator: it takes two taserings for the police to subdue the naked terror. man: all the while, he was being incoherent, and he seemed to be in some kind of trancelike state. judy: he was in a trancelike state because he was about to ( bleep ), and you interrupted him. narrator: the exhibitionist is charged with public indecency and resisting arrest. jo: the bad thing is, he looked like me. he looked like me when i'm 50.

narrator: early one summer morning, police in monroe, washington, receive a call that a local storage facility has been burglarized. officers follow a suspicious trail of merchandise into a nearby field. danny: this is the criminal version of hansel and gretel. instead of leaving breadcrumbs so you can find your way back, they just leave loot. narrator: there they find... two males fast asleep on merchandise matching the description of the stolen items. todd: ( snoring ) jo: ( snoring ) godfrey: that's the laziest robbery ever-- they're like, "yo, let's get out of here ! aw, ( bleep ) it." nick: i got a $2,000 mattress at home, i toss and turn all night. godfrey: they looked cute.

it's like the cops are probably like, "aw, look at these guys, huh ? "look at that pink pillow. "i can't beat the living ( bleep ) out of him." todd: "don't wake him up. "get my camera, dawg-- "don't wake him up ! get my camera." adrianne: i love how the cops just took pictures of 'em, passed out. narrator: the sleepy kleptos were arrested and put into cold storage, where they'll sleep off their hangovers. brad: if you're narcoleptic, stop committing crimes, okay ? adrianne: ( yawning ) narrator: the owner of this florida home returns to find out that someone has broken through a side window... ( glass breaking ) and robbed the place blind. mock commentator: oh, my god ! they took mother's paintings. and her bowl collection. narrator: later that day, the thief implements phase two of his mastermind scheme: a tag sale. mock commentator: i got stuff for sale ! i got a lot of stuff going cheap. judy: so what we do here is we rob the neighbors, and then right in front of them,

we sell their items. really smart. chuck: even ebay would've been smarter than a yard sale in the neighborhood where you ripped the stuff off from. narrator: the homeowners get wind of the unauthorized sale, and call the cops. and when they arrive, all the evidence they need is waiting right there, in the yard. mock commentator: what a jackass. right here, $2, $1, 50 cents, whatever, i'll take it. jo: not only does he deserve to go to jail for breaking into his neighbor's place, but he deserves to go to jail because he stole the worst ( bleep ) ever. mock commentator: i got mirrors, bottles, pens... susie: what a load of crap ! brad: really, you didn't steal the tv ? you stole a typewriter. a typewriter. you can't even find ink for a typewriter anymore. chuck: he stole dirty jugs... not the good kind. i'm talking, real dirty jugs. loni: jugs ?

like, who wants that ? brad: you know, i have an apartment full of garbage. why don't you come "rob" me ? narrator: the 22-year-old thief is taken off to jail, where he may end up in a yard sale of his own-- bryan: "i'm gonna commit "grand larceny, "and then i'm gonna have myself "a yard sale, and i'm gonna sell "all the stuff "and make, like, 18 bucks. who says crime doesn't pay ?" officer: watch your head. brad: dude, there's ( bleep ) all over your front yard. you did it-- at least be proud. be that dumb-ass who's like, "whoo, i'm on tv !" narrator: coming up, 19 laughable lawbreakers down... only one dumb criminal remains at large. mock commentator: fill the bag up with the money ! narrator: find out what crooked character takes the top spot... when the smoking gun presents: the world's dumbest criminals returns.

walmart checks other stores' prices so we can save on all our game time favorites. and if there is a better price out there, they'll even match it. which means come game time... ...i'm just as ready as he is. game time costs less at walmart. save money. live better. walmart. could save 'em hundreds on car just telinsurance.e geico it's actually doing it. gecko vo: businessmen say "hard work equals success." well, you're looking at, arguably, the world's most successful businessgecko.

gecko vo: first rule of "hard work equals success." gecko vo: that's why geico is consistently rated excellent or better in terms of financial strength. gecko vo: second rule: "don't steal a coworker's egg salad, 'specially if it's marked "the gecko." come on people. take matters into your own hands. autozone is the one place with the expertise... you need to get the job done right.

narrator: a teenager who's racked up multiple speeding tickets runs from police. looking to avoid arrest, the fugitive ditches his car and hides out in an elderly couple's garage. but he's not alone for long. leif: you're running from the police because of too many speeding tickets,

and hiding in somebody's garage where fluffy holds you at bay. narrator: who exactly is fluffy ? cuter than benji, crueler than cujo. mock commentator: yo, why you barking at me, man ? loni: fluffy knew something was wrong-- it was a brother. chuck: "what's that, fluffy ? "there's a black man "in the garage ? "honey, call the cops, "fluffy found another negro in the garage." jo: those little dogs always rat you out. michael: that dog looked mean, man. that dog had crazy eyes. narrator: fluffy's yaps quickly arouse the attention of his owners... ... who approach the suspect, only to find that he has a special request. ( phone dialing ) todd: he asked to use their phone. "mom, i ( bleep ) up, now. "i'm hiding in these "white folks' garage. "their little dog found me. "i'm in trouble. can you come bail me out ?"

narrator: the elderly man realizes he needs to use the phone as well... to call for backup. judy: i enjoy the towel around the neck, like he's getting a freaking massage or something. man: he says he's not armed, i believe him. brad: who dressed this man ? did leif garrett get ahold of this dude ? todd: "he's not armed-- "he doesn't have a gun or anything." you know, how do they really know ? ( police radio blaring ) officer: get on the ground ! down, down, down ! narrator: officers escort the subject from the garage, much to the delight of the miniature mcgruff. mock commentator: damn, that dog rat me out ! judy: if it was a white kid, the dog would've been like, "oh, someone to play with." but no, fluffy's a racist. todd: what happens is when a perp tries to take your wallet, you-- uh-oh. judy: do you think t-